I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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