the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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