Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Randomize
