you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
He keeps bees of course he's weird
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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