i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
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