my room smells like sperm. sweet.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
