just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Randomize
