my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
