dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
