If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
