The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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