if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
