went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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