Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
