I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
