just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
