john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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