Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
