You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
