im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Church boner. Awkwardddd
it's great music for shaving your balls
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
