I want to make a zoo with you.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Randomize
