halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Randomize
