I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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