please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
