She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
