I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
