Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Randomize
