if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
