dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
