One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
