Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
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