You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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