I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
