And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Randomize
