My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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