Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize