I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
