We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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