Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
