I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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