got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
