My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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