Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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