At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Randomize
