if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
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