2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Less talking, more tequila
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
