My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
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