found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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