he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
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