Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
