im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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