The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
