my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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